Every few billion years or so comes a period of ten years marked by incessant stupidity. Now, I’m not talking about awesome shit like the Industrial Revolution, abolition, or the ShamWow guy punching a hooker. I’m talking about terrible events, events so magnifyingly shit-tacular (that’s a real word, google that shit), that we, as a society, should just pretend never actually happened. I’m talking about events like…
 
 
 
 
7. American Idol
 
 Here’s a hypothetical for you guys. You just bought a brand new blender. The first thing you put in there is sugar, spice, and the first angry British guy you can find. What do you get? (Clue: It’s not the powerslut girls).
 
     The popular karaoke based contest has run on for 9 years now. That’s like the equivalent of going to high school twice because the janitor forgot to sign your diploma and then going to jail for a year for killing him with a Pez Dispenser.
   
     Now, I’m sure all of you have seen the Olympics and part of the Fifa World Cup. These events last about ONE MONTH and serve the purpose of crowning world champions. Why in the name of all heavenly shits then, does it take American Idol a year to find one karaoke singer? Scientifically speaking, that’s approximately 1.20 x 10^2 more days than it took Ryan Seacrest to find a boyfriend.

O, I'm sorry, did I say "boyfriend"? I meant squirrel with a bazooka.

 
 
 
 
 6. George W. Bush Gets Re-Elected 
    
     Let’s face the facts. The Re-election of George Bush was the worst thing since Cheese in a can. Not only did he drag the economy into an abyss so deep not even the filthiest hobo would dare venture into; in fact, he did it twice. Now, if you ask me, that’s probably one time too many.
 
     The two major highlights of his time in office were probably him trying to talk on the phone while holding it upside down and that one time he choked on a pretzel. Well, I guess “at least he tried” right? You know what? Let’s just pretend he was never actually president.
 
 

But props to his awesome dog Barney, who really knew how to run things.

  
 
 
  5. Tiger Woods Wins his 50th Club Swinging Championship (Not in Golf)  
   
     Who gets more club swinging, Kung-Fu gripping, dry humping action than Megan Fox at a bad acting convention? If you guessed Robert Pattinson, God Bless You, but not quite. Tiger Woods, or dipshit, as he’s commonly referred to, is possibly the horniest living being since Curious George.

     Despite being on this list, though, Tiger deserves props for being able to keep his mad skills a secret for so long. Somewhere in Hillary Clinton’s kitchen, Bill Clinton is smiling. 

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman...more than twice."

     Hell, once Tiger retires from golf he can take over the Playboy Mansion or date your mom. Twice. 

P.S. – If somebody posts the 3 Ho’s joke in the comment box, I will assassinate them and their dog. 

  

4. Music Goes to Hell 

     Just in case some of you have been living under one of Rossie O Donnell’s flabs for the past decade and a half, I’m going to refresh your memory. Once upon a time, in a filthy, filthy place somewhere in Los Angeles, some record company realized people would listen to whatever bullshit over and over again so long as the performer had a stupid ass name and no singing ability. 

     And thus, the airwaves were polluted with carbon dioxide emissions from the likes of Kesha, Justin Bieber, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson’s Sister (nobody remembers her name), Kid Rock, and if I go on I’ll just keep wasting precious finger energy that I could be using for other important things like opening cheese-in-a-can containers and throwing bricks at Justin Bieber’s face. 

Justin Bieber make Bunny cry.

 
 
 
 3. George W. Bush (Again)
 
     This was initially a top six list, but I would’ve been a terrible person if I didn’t give good ol’ Bush an extra spot. In fact, why explain how awesome George Bush is with simple mortal writing when I could do it with a graph?
  

Bush's administration. Like testicle cancer, but Worse.

  

 
 
 2. Social Networking Sites
 
     I had a good friend a long time ago. His name was….for article’s sake, let’s say his name was Dom. Anyway, Dom was a little weird. Unfortunately, he pushed away all his friends because of his CMD (Compulsive Masturbation Disorder). One day, Dom woke up and had an epiphany. 

This was Dom just 10 Years Earlier.

  

     Dom: “Holy Fuck! Dude, remember that chick that kicked me in the crotch at the pub the other day? Well, before she nearly castrated me, she clearly said: “The only reason I would ever even consider talking with someone like you is if you were friends with like twenty-thousand hot chicks.” 

     Dom, quickly realizing that this would be a once in a lifetime opportunity, locked himself in his tent and put himself to work. 720 days, 2 showers, and 4 Gigabytes of porn later, Dom came out of his tent, stared into the sunlight wearing nothing but a John Cena t-shirt, and announced to the world: “I have run out of goddamm toilet paper”. Two years later, Dom created one of the first social networking sites.. 

     And thus, MeSpace was born. 

     Pretty soon, MeSpace was a big hit in the online world. Kids, angry soccer moms, and pedophiles could now interact freely on the cyber condom that was the internet. Thanks to Dom, we can all now be easily made aware that Stacy just got a pet dipshit or that John is coming out of the closet. Geeh, Thanks Dom… 

  

                                                       Plus also, people getting owned by rc cars. 

  

1. Reality Television 

     Personally, I thought the insanity would stop after finding the world’s shittiest karaoke singer, but o boy, was I mind-fucked. Somewhere in Hollywood, while trying on inexpensive man-thongs, two tv executives had this conversation: 

     “Hey man, those assholes like totally gave into that karaoke contest thing. We like need more of that.” 

     “Yeah man, we need like shows where like assholes go on stage and people like laugh at their misery and shit like that!” 

     “Yeah! We could even like have one where we make fun of fat people on like live tv! And we could like hire a bunch of angry British people to yell like douchebags like 50 times per show!” 

     “Done deal, bro! Let me like call that angry, filthy hobo I like see on my way to work everyday. I think his name’s like Simon or something. He’ll be like perfect for the job.” 

Just like Paula Abdul. But you Know, Without the Penis.

 

  

     Phoenixx is currently a student at Americas High School, but wishes to remain anonymous for fear of people stealing his exotic collection of Pez Dispensers. 

     Don’t forget to click the RSS link at the top of the page to subscribe! And if you haven’t already done so, read “The 5 Annoying things about High School That You Shouldn’t Have to Deal With (That you have to deal with anyway)”.  

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