Archive for June, 2010


       You know what they say: High School is the best time of your life. Unfortunately, they told you the same thing about that birthday party with the pedofile clown and that one time they tied you up and threw you in a tub of shit. With that in mind, I bring you the 5 annoying things about high school that you shouldn’t have to deal with, but have to deal with anyway.
1. Stupid School Policy
     So one day you’re walking down the hall, jolly fellow, last week of school, when an angry specimen of a woman rushes you (quite literally) and yells “Yu!! Yo Bag Tu Big!!”. With no choice but to surrender before she calls for back up, you give her the bag with all your lethal Pez dispensers, tampons, and David Hasselhoff photographs. Devastated, you walk off to chemistry class where you will probably inject yourself with hydrochloric acid.
Make no mistake, it is obvious that the school has either
a) gained fear of a terrorist attack in the form of a rain of bloody tampons
or b) been sold to Martha Stewart (yes, the crazy woman)
     Now, I probably don’t have to tell you that school policy has gotten increasingly sillier during the past few years . I mean, come on, I got put in sac (detention room with cubicles) for wearing torn jeans two years ago and had that bulldog looking dude escort me to lunch like Michael Vick on a Douche Fest bust. 

"That's right asshole, you'll think it through before wearing shit like that again"

     Perhaps if the school is in such danger of a terrorist attack, our best bet for safety is to stay home! How does that sound everyone!? Student Safety Day! Stay Home! That Shall be my goal for next year.

2. State Mandated Testing

     In case you haven’t been made aware , every year they sit you in a chair for about 16 hours to bubble in what should be your future…yeah, if you want to grow up to be Paula Abdul’s medication dispenser.

     What you probably don’t know is that these tests aren’t designed with you in mind. Actually, they’re designed to see if the school districts are using teaching funds appropriately, but they just figured they’d screw with you just for some good old, state endorsed fun. You see, Home Schoolees and Private Schoolees (shit, I don’t even know if those are real words) don’t have to take these tests. Actually, they don’t even know what TAKS stands for (Tramp Association for Killer STDs). Texas couldn’t give less of a shit if you can’t spell “RAT’S ASS” by the time you’re in 12th grade.

     Where there are greens involved, there are tests involved, which means that if the school district fails at teaching you, you fail with them. Don’t take it personally though, the Taks doesn’t test to see if you’re genious, it tests to see if you’re stupid….

Like this silly Cardinals fan


 3. Security

      So it’s been a great day so far. You filled in bubbles for 4 hours with a pencil that was previously used to scrape boogers off of a spanish class desk, you spent 3 wonderful hours in the detention facility for wearing a stylish pair of “My parents just threw me out” jeans, and now a gentleman in a golf kart stops you for apparent suspicious behavior. Now, when suspicious behavior is something like walking around with an Ap Chemistry book and a goodwill shirt while looking frantically at your watch at 8:10 am, we have a problem. For fuck sake’s we have a problem.

"Sir, Everything you say can and will be misinterpreted in a racially segregated court of law. You have the right to an attorney, but since you can't afford one, you're screwed" (props to Josh Davoust for the caption)

      I mean, after all, it’s not like that group of 12 gansters and their chronies over there are planning anything with those most likely inflatable AK-47s. O, and I’m pretty sure that freshman girl walking back up the street with that seven foot de-virginirator she calls a boyfriend is just gono go apply to colleges.

4. $ 15 Cell-Phone Recovery Fee
     I think we can all agree that this has been a shit-tacular day. Bubbles, detention, testing, what else could you possibly ask for, you ungrateful son of Arnold Swartzeneger’s steroid addiction? How about getting your phone taken away? and having to pay fifteen fucks to recover it.
      You probably shouldn’t be talking in class anyway, but I mean come on, what happened to the good old “call Johnny’s parents so he can get whipped when he gets home” tactic? Since when do we resort to such extremes as taking away other people’s precious and hard earned “just mugged that little freshmen kid” dollars?
                   which probably went something like this 


 Now, I’m probably not an expert on school budgets, but isn’t that shit supposed to come from our taxes and government drug money?



5. AP Classes

     It’s the beginning of a new day, a new year in fact, and what better way to start the school year than by challening yourself with some good old Advanced Placement Classes? No harm here right? I mean, it’s not like they make you sign a form where you give away all your shit or threaten you with castration if you plagiarize, right?       

     A guru of Ap classes myself, I can tell you how gruesome the process is. You sit in class the first day, happy person. Several hundred hours of classroom instruction, tears, blood, and a shit load of zits later, you shower for the first time since you signed up for the class after a night of mind-fucking data cramming. Then you get to school, sit down, and take the test. Three months later you get an envelope in the mail telling you of your hardcore achievement. A solid, undeniable 1. Now you’re a true champ.


Actual picture of Johnny after the Ap Chemistry Exam

      And just in case you were wondering, many universities will gladly take you and your 1 score. In fact, let me get you the number to the University of Doucheville.

     O, never mind, turns out they only take 2s. Now you’re really screwed.
   Phoenixx is currently a student (Senior) at Americas High School, but wishes to remain anonymous at this time due to possible death and castration threats.
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