Latest Entries »

The pot tackles the misery.

Skipping a Beat

I know I write a lot of comedy around here,  but this topic is something that should be of genuine interest to all of us (even more so its prevention).

_                                        

_               

                                        “Skipping a Beat” by Edwin Felix

 _

_

“Hon-ney, I-I’ll promise I-I’ll be baack b-by e-leven sharp.”

“John, that’s what you said yesterday. The kids miss you. I miss you. The FAMILY misses you.”

That night, John did not return. Michelle, his wife, spent the better part of the night phoning everyone who might have the slightest idea of where John was. The one person who was able to tell her something was Kenneth, who had gone out drinking with him the night before. To the despair of Michelle, however, all he was able to convey was that he had not seen him again upon taking different paths after leaving the bar. All Kenneth would tell her was:

“D-D-Don’t woorry, Michelle, hee’ll be Iight.” (In a half drunken voice)

Perhaps the worst part for Michelle was explaining to the kids that their dad had not gone out for milk (as she had previously told them), but that he had gone on a drinking frenzy and was yet to come back.

What is a human being capable of doing under such grave circumstances? Waiting. Nothing more. Now on an emotional roller coaster, Michelle’s mind would constantly travel to earlier times, such as when she got married to John. Good, heroic, loving, chivalric John was all she could think of back in the day. What had caused such a drastic change in the man she once admired so fervently? The seasoning of Death itself, alcohol.

As usual, Michelle told herself everything would be ok. But it wasn’t. A phone ring followed by a grave voice changed everything.

“Ma’am, I’m afraid these are not easy news to deliver, so I need you to remain calm.”

“…..” (Heart skipping beats)

“Yesterday night, on I-10, we received reports that a man in a blue Honda Civic was continuously weaving in and out of lanes. Upon attempting to exit the roadway, the man drove under an approaching 18-wheeler. The man died almost instantaneously. I know this is hard, but we need you to come identify the body.”

Michelle couldn’t say a word. She burst out sobbing, punching the ground, yelling for John.

A few hours later, still emotionally battered, she headed out to the station. Michelle entered the gory building, still sobbing, and looked at the body. All of a sudden, her face lit up, and the sparkle of her beautiful hazel eyes returned. The body was not that of John’s. Now filled with hope, she left the gory building and got in her car.

_

_

That night, while heading home, at approximately 9:43 PM, Michelle was killed by a drunk driver.

_

That driver’s name, was John.

_

_

_

_

 

 

 

Please, don’t drink and drive.

     Every few billion years or so comes a period of ten years marked by incessant stupidity. Now, I’m not talking about awesome shit like the Industrial Revolution, abolition, or the ShamWow guy punching a hooker. I’m talking about terrible events, events so magnifyingly shit-tacular (that’s a real word, google that shit), that we, as a society, should just pretend never actually happened. I’m talking about events like…
 
 
 
 
7. American Idol
 
 Here’s a hypothetical for you guys. You just bought a brand new blender. The first thing you put in there is sugar, spice, and the first angry British guy you can find. What do you get? (Clue: It’s not the powerslut girls).
 
     The popular karaoke based contest has run on for 9 years now. That’s like the equivalent of going to high school twice because the janitor forgot to sign your diploma and then going to jail for a year for killing him with a Pez Dispenser.
   
     Now, I’m sure all of you have seen the Olympics and part of the Fifa World Cup. These events last about ONE MONTH and serve the purpose of crowning world champions. Why in the name of all heavenly shits then, does it take American Idol a year to find one karaoke singer? Scientifically speaking, that’s approximately 1.20 x 10^2 more days than it took Ryan Seacrest to find a boyfriend.

O, I'm sorry, did I say "boyfriend"? I meant squirrel with a bazooka.

 
 
 
 
 6. George W. Bush Gets Re-Elected 
    
     Let’s face the facts. The Re-election of George Bush was the worst thing since Cheese in a can. Not only did he drag the economy into an abyss so deep not even the filthiest hobo would dare venture into; in fact, he did it twice. Now, if you ask me, that’s probably one time too many.
 
     The two major highlights of his time in office were probably him trying to talk on the phone while holding it upside down and that one time he choked on a pretzel. Well, I guess “at least he tried” right? You know what? Let’s just pretend he was never actually president.
 
 

But props to his awesome dog Barney, who really knew how to run things.

  
 
 
  5. Tiger Woods Wins his 50th Club Swinging Championship (Not in Golf)  
   
     Who gets more club swinging, Kung-Fu gripping, dry humping action than Megan Fox at a bad acting convention? If you guessed Robert Pattinson, God Bless You, but not quite. Tiger Woods, or dipshit, as he’s commonly referred to, is possibly the horniest living being since Curious George.

     Despite being on this list, though, Tiger deserves props for being able to keep his mad skills a secret for so long. Somewhere in Hillary Clinton’s kitchen, Bill Clinton is smiling. 

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman...more than twice."

     Hell, once Tiger retires from golf he can take over the Playboy Mansion or date your mom. Twice. 

P.S. – If somebody posts the 3 Ho’s joke in the comment box, I will assassinate them and their dog. 

  

4. Music Goes to Hell 

     Just in case some of you have been living under one of Rossie O Donnell’s flabs for the past decade and a half, I’m going to refresh your memory. Once upon a time, in a filthy, filthy place somewhere in Los Angeles, some record company realized people would listen to whatever bullshit over and over again so long as the performer had a stupid ass name and no singing ability. 

     And thus, the airwaves were polluted with carbon dioxide emissions from the likes of Kesha, Justin Bieber, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson’s Sister (nobody remembers her name), Kid Rock, and if I go on I’ll just keep wasting precious finger energy that I could be using for other important things like opening cheese-in-a-can containers and throwing bricks at Justin Bieber’s face. 

Justin Bieber make Bunny cry.

 
 
 
 3. George W. Bush (Again)
 
     This was initially a top six list, but I would’ve been a terrible person if I didn’t give good ol’ Bush an extra spot. In fact, why explain how awesome George Bush is with simple mortal writing when I could do it with a graph?
  

Bush's administration. Like testicle cancer, but Worse.

  

 
 
 2. Social Networking Sites
 
     I had a good friend a long time ago. His name was….for article’s sake, let’s say his name was Dom. Anyway, Dom was a little weird. Unfortunately, he pushed away all his friends because of his CMD (Compulsive Masturbation Disorder). One day, Dom woke up and had an epiphany. 

This was Dom just 10 Years Earlier.

  

     Dom: “Holy Fuck! Dude, remember that chick that kicked me in the crotch at the pub the other day? Well, before she nearly castrated me, she clearly said: “The only reason I would ever even consider talking with someone like you is if you were friends with like twenty-thousand hot chicks.” 

     Dom, quickly realizing that this would be a once in a lifetime opportunity, locked himself in his tent and put himself to work. 720 days, 2 showers, and 4 Gigabytes of porn later, Dom came out of his tent, stared into the sunlight wearing nothing but a John Cena t-shirt, and announced to the world: “I have run out of goddamm toilet paper”. Two years later, Dom created one of the first social networking sites.. 

     And thus, MeSpace was born. 

     Pretty soon, MeSpace was a big hit in the online world. Kids, angry soccer moms, and pedophiles could now interact freely on the cyber condom that was the internet. Thanks to Dom, we can all now be easily made aware that Stacy just got a pet dipshit or that John is coming out of the closet. Geeh, Thanks Dom… 

  

                                                       Plus also, people getting owned by rc cars. 

  

1. Reality Television 

     Personally, I thought the insanity would stop after finding the world’s shittiest karaoke singer, but o boy, was I mind-fucked. Somewhere in Hollywood, while trying on inexpensive man-thongs, two tv executives had this conversation: 

     “Hey man, those assholes like totally gave into that karaoke contest thing. We like need more of that.” 

     “Yeah man, we need like shows where like assholes go on stage and people like laugh at their misery and shit like that!” 

     “Yeah! We could even like have one where we make fun of fat people on like live tv! And we could like hire a bunch of angry British people to yell like douchebags like 50 times per show!” 

     “Done deal, bro! Let me like call that angry, filthy hobo I like see on my way to work everyday. I think his name’s like Simon or something. He’ll be like perfect for the job.” 

Just like Paula Abdul. But you Know, Without the Penis.

 

  

     Phoenixx is currently a student at Americas High School, but wishes to remain anonymous for fear of people stealing his exotic collection of Pez Dispensers. 

     Don’t forget to click the RSS link at the top of the page to subscribe! And if you haven’t already done so, read “The 5 Annoying things about High School That You Shouldn’t Have to Deal With (That you have to deal with anyway)”.  

 

       You know what they say: High School is the best time of your life. Unfortunately, they told you the same thing about that birthday party with the pedofile clown and that one time they tied you up and threw you in a tub of shit. With that in mind, I bring you the 5 annoying things about high school that you shouldn’t have to deal with, but have to deal with anyway.
 
 
 
  
 
1. Stupid School Policy
    
     So one day you’re walking down the hall, jolly fellow, last week of school, when an angry specimen of a woman rushes you (quite literally) and yells “Yu!! Yo Bag Tu Big!!”. With no choice but to surrender before she calls for back up, you give her the bag with all your lethal Pez dispensers, tampons, and David Hasselhoff photographs. Devastated, you walk off to chemistry class where you will probably inject yourself with hydrochloric acid.
 
Make no mistake, it is obvious that the school has either
a) gained fear of a terrorist attack in the form of a rain of bloody tampons
or b) been sold to Martha Stewart (yes, the crazy woman)
     
     Now, I probably don’t have to tell you that school policy has gotten increasingly sillier during the past few years . I mean, come on, I got put in sac (detention room with cubicles) for wearing torn jeans two years ago and had that bulldog looking dude escort me to lunch like Michael Vick on a Douche Fest bust. 
 

"That's right asshole, you'll think it through before wearing shit like that again"

 
     Perhaps if the school is in such danger of a terrorist attack, our best bet for safety is to stay home! How does that sound everyone!? Student Safety Day! Stay Home! That Shall be my goal for next year.
 
 
 
 

2. State Mandated Testing

     In case you haven’t been made aware , every year they sit you in a chair for about 16 hours to bubble in what should be your future…yeah, if you want to grow up to be Paula Abdul’s medication dispenser.

     What you probably don’t know is that these tests aren’t designed with you in mind. Actually, they’re designed to see if the school districts are using teaching funds appropriately, but they just figured they’d screw with you just for some good old, state endorsed fun. You see, Home Schoolees and Private Schoolees (shit, I don’t even know if those are real words) don’t have to take these tests. Actually, they don’t even know what TAKS stands for (Tramp Association for Killer STDs). Texas couldn’t give less of a shit if you can’t spell “RAT’S ASS” by the time you’re in 12th grade.

     Where there are greens involved, there are tests involved, which means that if the school district fails at teaching you, you fail with them. Don’t take it personally though, the Taks doesn’t test to see if you’re genious, it tests to see if you’re stupid….

Like this silly Cardinals fan

 

 3. Security

      So it’s been a great day so far. You filled in bubbles for 4 hours with a pencil that was previously used to scrape boogers off of a spanish class desk, you spent 3 wonderful hours in the detention facility for wearing a stylish pair of “My parents just threw me out” jeans, and now a gentleman in a golf kart stops you for apparent suspicious behavior. Now, when suspicious behavior is something like walking around with an Ap Chemistry book and a goodwill shirt while looking frantically at your watch at 8:10 am, we have a problem. For fuck sake’s we have a problem.

"Sir, Everything you say can and will be misinterpreted in a racially segregated court of law. You have the right to an attorney, but since you can't afford one, you're screwed" (props to Josh Davoust for the caption)

      I mean, after all, it’s not like that group of 12 gansters and their chronies over there are planning anything with those most likely inflatable AK-47s. O, and I’m pretty sure that freshman girl walking back up the street with that seven foot de-virginirator she calls a boyfriend is just gono go apply to colleges.

 
 
4. $ 15 Cell-Phone Recovery Fee
    
     I think we can all agree that this has been a shit-tacular day. Bubbles, detention, testing, what else could you possibly ask for, you ungrateful son of Arnold Swartzeneger’s steroid addiction? How about getting your phone taken away? and having to pay fifteen fucks to recover it.
    
      You probably shouldn’t be talking in class anyway, but I mean come on, what happened to the good old “call Johnny’s parents so he can get whipped when he gets home” tactic? Since when do we resort to such extremes as taking away other people’s precious and hard earned “just mugged that little freshmen kid” dollars?
 
 
                   which probably went something like this 

 

 Now, I’m probably not an expert on school budgets, but isn’t that shit supposed to come from our taxes and government drug money?

 

 

5. AP Classes

     It’s the beginning of a new day, a new year in fact, and what better way to start the school year than by challening yourself with some good old Advanced Placement Classes? No harm here right? I mean, it’s not like they make you sign a form where you give away all your shit or threaten you with castration if you plagiarize, right?       

     A guru of Ap classes myself, I can tell you how gruesome the process is. You sit in class the first day, happy person. Several hundred hours of classroom instruction, tears, blood, and a shit load of zits later, you shower for the first time since you signed up for the class after a night of mind-fucking data cramming. Then you get to school, sit down, and take the test. Three months later you get an envelope in the mail telling you of your hardcore achievement. A solid, undeniable 1. Now you’re a true champ.

 

Actual picture of Johnny after the Ap Chemistry Exam

      And just in case you were wondering, many universities will gladly take you and your 1 score. In fact, let me get you the number to the University of Doucheville.

 
     O, never mind, turns out they only take 2s. Now you’re really screwed.
 
    
 
 
   Phoenixx is currently a student (Senior) at Americas High School, but wishes to remain anonymous at this time due to possible death and castration threats.
Guys, don’t forget to click the RSS link at the top of the page to subscribe!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!